Family Is Underrated.

“Where are you going?” Sebastian asked, suspicious.
“Just going to ask my Mum something...” I said back, lying through my teeth.
“You’re going to tell her I was picking my nose, aren’t you!”
“No.”  I smiled, like butter wouldn’t melt.

“Sebbie! Stop picking your nose!” My Mum shouted back into the lounge to Sebastian who had been picking his nose.

The above is an excerpt of just one of the many stories that always come out when I hang out with my Mother’s side of the family. We can’t have been more than six at the time, but Sebastian without fail always brings up this story, ratting on me for being a tell tale. It’s one of the tamer stories and there are plenty that are wonderfully embarrassing and telling of the child I used to be. One that Sebastian’s Mother (my Aunt) always brings up, is a story of me running through her back door only to trip over her door mat and then reprimand her for leaving her door mat there.  I was a clumsy kid, what can I say.

Anyway, the point of writing this wasn’t to embarrass myself with stories of my childhood, but to remind myself of how important family is. I’ve never been particularly close to my family, not in the way some girls were when I was at University. I know they’d be there if I needed them and I called them often enough. My Mum is a worrier and my Dad’s far more black and white and laid back about everything. Still, things have been a bit shit at the moment (as times sometimes are) and it makes me think about how long it was since I saw either of them.

I live in Winchester, which is probably a good 3 hour train journey to Kent where my Mum is, so I haven’t seen her since Christmas. My Dad’s in London, so he’s a little more accessible; Easter Sunday was the last time I saw him.

Sebastian, my cousin (older than me by 6 months) also lives in Winchester now as he came to University here the year after me. Having Sebastian in town is quite nice, considering up until the age of about 9 he was almost like a the brother I never had.  We went on holiday with his family and my Dad every year, he came to my birthday parties and we always spent Christmas together. Whilst I don’t see him very often now, when we do catch up for a drink it’s nice. His parents came down from Surrey yesterday to visit and I went out for dinner with them all.

Seb’s Mum and mine are identical twins, so hanging out with Sebastian’s Mum makes me feel closer to mine. I know that sounds really lame, but I miss my family sometimes, so what?
Anyway, we drove out into the country and ate dinner at a cute little riverside pub then they dropped me home. Although not a massive excursion from the mess that is my life currently, it was nice to be occupied and have my brain focus on other things aside from work, my MA, my need to move house, my lack of money and the recent end of my relationship.

It’s my birthday at the end of the month, and I’m determined to see my family and enjoy it. It would be very easy just to work and wallow in nothingness and then blame everyone but myself for a crap birthday but it’s no one’s responsibility but my own to get on with things and make things good. After all, why shouldn’t I?

Being Honest - Boys & Girls Can Be Friends.

In this installment on WhatLexySaid, I’ll be taking the age-old and long-pondered question of whether the lads and the ladies can be, oh-so-simply, just friends.

Before I elaborate entirely, I should give a small disclaimer that yes, I do believe we can all be friends without wanting to jump each other’s bones. If you disagree, this is your stop on the train of this discussion. Time to hop off; you’re the reason that eleven year olds don’t think they can be friends with the girls in their class because of the ridicule and teasing that their mere friendship can bring.

Anyway, now that we’re left with all the open-minded folk, let’s get down to it. 

Since I started secondary school, earlier than that... since primary school, I’ve had a predominance of male friends. I remember far more of the boys names from primary school than I do the girls. Does that make seven year old me a little sauce-pot? No, it doesn’t. 

Obviously, in Secondary School there came a time when I realised maybe I wanted to spend a little more time with certain guys, but that didn’t mean that I had to feel like that about all of my male friends. I understood that, it’s the people who don’t who seem to be the problem.

My first year at University, I ended up living with a boy as well as four girls. Nothing romantic has ever happened between us, and we’re still good friends to this day. Gasp-shock-horror? What? How is that even possible? This is just the way it is.  As with most of my male friends, we never made the conscious decision to inform the other person that we weren’t attracted to each other, it was unspoken yet known. For the predominance of my third year at University, there were usually more men in my house than there were ladies and my one female housemate and I would often find ourselves coughing and spluttering in a cloud of testosterone and Lynx Africa, among other things.
We weren’t attracted to them and they weren’t either. It was that easy.

My friend Grace reminds me however “if there is a hint of something more on the table it can get messy...” and of course, in true Gracie-fashion, she’s right. But that’s okay too. As long as you’re honest with each other, there doesn’t have to be any drama. As soon as you bring sex and all those feelings into the equation, a million more questions pop up and sometimes, like Rachel says - it’s never off the table but it’s always best to keep communication lines open and talk about it.

Once I’ve been with someone romantically, can we go back to being purely-platonic friends again?
I’m going to go with yes, on this one. Yes you can go back to being friends. Whether you’ve moved on to dating someone new or not, if you want that other person in your life but not in a romantic sense then tell them. Make it happen as best you can, but don’t push it.
Obviously, I understand that if you’re coming out of serious relationship, flipping back into being good friends may be difficult; no one is saying you have to be friends immediately, if at all. Sometimes it’s too hard to get over that person and what they mean/meant to you.

What if I want something more/less than he/she does?
Respect is of utmost importance – to quote another song, you can’t make someone love you if they don’t. But you also can’t make someone not love you. Be respectful of the other person’s feelings if they differ from your own; you might be ready to be friends again, but they might need more time.
Or, if you’ve never been together romantically and one person wants to progress into that and the other doesn’t, then just be honest. Let them hide away for a week and lick their wounds, if that’s what they need, but remind them at the end of the day you’re still friends.

Does being jealous of my friend spending time with their other half mean that I’m attracted to them?
Not at all. You can miss someone’s company and their attention and not be attracted to them. If you used to get Pizza every two-for-Tuesday night, and now Tuesday night has been reallocated to their other half as date night, you’re allowed to miss that time together.

*

With 2015 just around the corner and hurtling towards us like a freight train, I encourage more people to take on the honesty philosophy...

If you want to see someone, tell them.
If you like someone, tell them.
What’s the worst that could happen?
 They don’t feel that way? At least you know.
If you miss someone, tell them.
If you want to call, call.
If you want to chat, then chat.
In the same sense...
If you don’t want to see someone, tell them.
If you don’t miss someone, don’t say it.

If I’ve learned anything recently, it’s to not say something if you don’t mean it.
Don’t say things for the sake of it, people will only get hurt and read into things that don’t mean what they want them to.

After graduating in October, it’s been hard enough entering the big bad world without picking and choosing who you’re going to be friends with based on their sex/sexual preferences. My friends all went back to their parent’s towns after University, I stayed in Winchester, so when it comes to new friends I’ve taken what I can and I’m ever-grateful for them all. I wouldn’t be without them.

Maybe I’m not the best person to be giving out relationship advice, but there’s so much chatter about how there is absolutely no possible way that people of the opposite sex could every be purely friends and it bugs me.

Rant over J the floor is now open to discussion...

"Chubby"

It makes me absolutely crazy that people on the internet have the nerve to call a Demi Lovato fat. Chubby is such an ugly word, why do people think that they can throw it around and not affect anyone?

Tell me you don't like her music, fine - that's your opinion. 

Tell me you think she's fat, and that's none of your business. 

If Demi Lovato is fat, then dear God please let me wake up fat tomorrow. 

Lovato has graced the covers of an insane number of magazines, including; Teen Vogue, Seventeen, Cosmopolitan, Latina, Cosmo On Campus, Nylon, Dolly, Sugar, Cosmo Girl, Atrevida, Self, Elle Girl and many more. More than once often enough. 

If anyone, male or female, can look at these photos and tell me they do not think she looks happy and healthy then they are lying. 

Struggling through rehab for an eating disorder and coming out shining, Demi has earned the respect of thousands. She definitely has not earned the online fat shaming that is being thrown her way. People who use the words "chubby" or "fat" don't know what it can do to a person, especially a person with known insecurities on the subject.  I can only be assumed that the bullies, because that's what they are, using this cheap way to insult someone because they are overcompensating - attempting to hide something about themselves. 

Having won 64 awards across the board, including an MTV Music Video award, two Do Something awards, three ALMA awards, five People's Choice awards and eleven Teen Choice Awards, there is no way anyone can contest Lovato's professional prowess and accomplishment. 

Why try and bring someone down when they clearly are doing so well, post-recovery? 

If I could count the number of ways I'm jealous of not only Lovato's success but her looks, and talent I would run out of fingers a thousand times over. 

Maybe she's not everyone's ideal singer/actress/philanthropist but that's no reason to call them something, that you don't how they'll react to. It's never a joke, and it doesn't matter if you "didn't really mean it" - don't say it. Don't put it online. 

I for one, know that Lovato is stronger that I could ever be. She has more will power than I could ever possess and is better looking than I feel I will ever be. She gives so many people hope, so what gives you the right to take hers away? 

 

Best Friends

 When your best friend is sick, you wish you were sick too. Just so you can share their pain, simply because you know you can't take it away. When something happens to you, be it funny or sad, earth shattering or minute, you want to tell them. That's the person you should call your best friend. The one that you can call in the middle of the night, and ask to come and get you from somewhere. The one who'll stay awake for you, even when they're shattered from working a sixteen hour day, just to make sure you get home safely.
The person who cares for your safety almost, if not more than your own mother, that's the one you need to keep safe too.
They'll never be annoying, they can only be hilarious. Their jokes, no matter how horrific, or how many times you've heard them before will always be stupidly funny - even if you're really just laughing at them. That's okay, because that person is your best friend.
You'll put a movie on and talk through it.
You'll get on the phone and sit in silence.
You'll buy a bag of sweets, and they'll like the ones you don't. Or they'll like the ones you do, then you'll have to fight over them. The difference between a friend and a best friend is that a friend will let you have the red ones, the best friend will make you fight for them.

When you find that person, never ever let them go. And never forget to tell them how much they mean to you. Because, be honest, you wouldn't know who you were without them.
I know I wouldn't know how to be if I didn't have my best friend.
You don't need anyone else; your best friend is everyone. And you should know, that if not physically stood in front of you, then they're with you in spirit and heart, because there's nowhere else you'd rather be than with your best friend.

A Change In Heart

Remember the girl in your college, who was quite happy to be alone, because she didn't have the time or patience to be with anyone else? That was the same girl who couldn't be bothered with other people, so she put herself first. She did pretty well, she got her grades, she knew what she was doing. She was smart. But she had particular views on relationships and love.

People who had the typical happy relationships were silly; you shouldn't put your needs second to someone like that. You should be your priority, and there is no way you can be 17 and in love.

The two don't equate. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.

 

Now, that same girl, is realising maybe she was wrong. Although romance and lovey-dovey public displays of affection used to make the girl wretch, and roll her eyes at her friends - now she has a different view on the world.
A semi-typcial story of boy meets girl enables her to now be feeling things she thought never existed. Love was never real emotion, and now it's what her world revolves around. Isn't it funny, how one person, the one the world told you you weren't meant to be with, can change your whole perception on the world? 

 

My name's Alexandra, although now mainly I answer to Lex. I'm not conforming to a romantic being, or losing my initial ideas on relationships - I'm merely growing up, and learning that life can be so much better if you accept you may have to let someone in occasionally. I've met someone who is so amazing, I never thought I could feel things like this for someone. I thought I was emotionally crippled, destined to never be in love and get married due to various upbringing strategies. Now however, I can lay with the person I love and happily muse about our life together.

 

This is what growing up does to you - it makes you see things in a new light. A better light. Being 20 may be the worst idea that I have ever had, but if next year brings as many good as things as this year has, bring on 2013.

Being in love with someone teaches you that although you need to look after yourself, it teaches you foremost that someone else can matter just as much. And remember when I once said that you can't love anyone else until you love you? Not true. He loves me enough for the both of us.

 

 

Next time.

Lex.