My Caffeine Addiction.

My boyfriend and I are spending Christmas with my Mum this holiday; my first Christmas with him and my first Christmas taking him home with me. I’m looking forward to it more than you could possibly imagine. However there is one thought at the back of mind that pipes up occasionally.
“Will Mum mind I’m drinking Monster all day?”

Monster being a 500ml can of energy drink with about 250 calories per can. It’s probably where I get most of my calorie intake from. And I admit, I have a slight addiction to it and the addiction to Monster has developed into an addiction to Caffeine. I definitely drink less of it than I used to, but I still drink over the recommended daily allowance I’m sure of it.

Caffeine is messing with my, already messed up, sleeping schedule. For example, on Saturday night I slept from 8pm till midnight, then I was awake for an hour but asleep again by 1am to sleep through till 730am when my alarm went off on Sunday morning. In contrast, last week I fell asleep at 8pm, woke up again at 10pm then cleaned the bathroom with bleach from top to bottom, followed by our bedroom and was still awake at 1am when my boyfriend got home from work.  

This morning I woke up at 1030am, was out of the house by 1 and now at 230pm I’m yawning at my screen. No rhyme or reason to anything anymore.
The withdrawal headaches and the sleeping stresses are enough to make me suggest something I never said I could do; I’m going to give up Monster for 2014. I’ll still have a caffeine intake, because I don’t think it would be safe to take such a staple part of my diet away so quickly, but it will only be from coffee and any painkillers cut with caffeine. I will drink more water, because I will never want to be dehydrated again. I will not buy four-packs of Monster from the shop on the corner.

Adding it up in my head, if I give up Monster I’ll actually save a substantial amount of money. Here’s a week of my life, and the Monster’s I consume.

Monday – One on the way to first class, before second class, one at home.

Tuesday  - One in the morning, two at night.

Wednesday – One on the way to work, one when I come home.

Thursday – One on the way to work, one when I come home.

Friday  - One on the way to class, one after.

Saturday – One on the way to work, one after.

Sunday – One on the way to work, one after.

So… at an average of £1.19 a can, I spend £17.85 on Monster a week. I could quite happily have an extra £20 to spend on something else; the winter boots I really need, next semester’s books, birthday presents…

Therefore I, Lex, proclaim that from January 1^st 2014 I will give up Monster. Unless shit really goes down, because in that case I’m a weakling little bitch and need to fall back on my crutches. Sorry.  

A Change In Heart

Remember the girl in your college, who was quite happy to be alone, because she didn't have the time or patience to be with anyone else? That was the same girl who couldn't be bothered with other people, so she put herself first. She did pretty well, she got her grades, she knew what she was doing. She was smart. But she had particular views on relationships and love.

People who had the typical happy relationships were silly; you shouldn't put your needs second to someone like that. You should be your priority, and there is no way you can be 17 and in love.

The two don't equate. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.

 

Now, that same girl, is realising maybe she was wrong. Although romance and lovey-dovey public displays of affection used to make the girl wretch, and roll her eyes at her friends - now she has a different view on the world.
A semi-typcial story of boy meets girl enables her to now be feeling things she thought never existed. Love was never real emotion, and now it's what her world revolves around. Isn't it funny, how one person, the one the world told you you weren't meant to be with, can change your whole perception on the world? 

 

My name's Alexandra, although now mainly I answer to Lex. I'm not conforming to a romantic being, or losing my initial ideas on relationships - I'm merely growing up, and learning that life can be so much better if you accept you may have to let someone in occasionally. I've met someone who is so amazing, I never thought I could feel things like this for someone. I thought I was emotionally crippled, destined to never be in love and get married due to various upbringing strategies. Now however, I can lay with the person I love and happily muse about our life together.

 

This is what growing up does to you - it makes you see things in a new light. A better light. Being 20 may be the worst idea that I have ever had, but if next year brings as many good as things as this year has, bring on 2013.

Being in love with someone teaches you that although you need to look after yourself, it teaches you foremost that someone else can matter just as much. And remember when I once said that you can't love anyone else until you love you? Not true. He loves me enough for the both of us.

 

 

Next time.

Lex.

Trust No Man; Fear No Bitch

The proverbial “they” say that trust is the key to happiness. But what happens if you’ve got no faith left to base your trust on? It turns out, having faith is a necessity to be able to trust people; you’ve got to have faith in the human race as a whole. I do have that, I really do, sometimes it just wavers slightly.
I’ve misplaced my trust so many times now; sometimes I’ve even actively watched myself do it. It’s not that I don’t want to trust anyone because I honestly do; I would be a lot happier if I knew there was someone in my life, male or female, that I could completely trust in. I look at my life at this moment in time, and I don’t see that person, or someone who has the potential to be that person.
Having been let down yet again by another man, or someone who calls himself a man, my faith has taken such a beating that I just don’t have any more trust to put in people; I can’t keep giving it away, if I’m only getting it stolen from me in the long run.

I’m really trying not to be a person with trust issues, but if people keep bottling out, and life is dealing me the ‘trust issues’ hand, should I just take it?

When I was younger, I mean, really young I used to think that I’d never have any emotional experiences. This is going to sound crazy I know, but I wanted to know what it felt like to be cheated on, to know what it felt like to have my heart on the floor, but also to know what it felt like to be head over heels in perfect love. Sadly, I’m nineteen this May and yet to find the latter. Many guys fit the mould, but all have fallen short. Not because I was testing them, but because they have pulled out of the race for one reason or another – sometimes without a reason totally.

“Forgiveness is such a simple thing, but so hard to do when you’ve been hurt” – Maybe I need to learn to forgive people before I can go about trusting new people. I’ll never forget the people who have hurt me, or broken my heart, but surely I should be able to move on? To forgive them? Because in 20 years or so, I’ll look back and realise how silly and petty everything was. At least, I hope I will.

Again going back to the proverbial “people”, People say that if a girl tells you her problems – it’s not because she’s bitching or moaning, it’s because she trusts you. I trusted the people I told my problems to. Maybe that’ll be another new year’s resolution; don’t talk about your problems to people. Don’t trust people who haven’t earned it 50 times over. Watch what you say and to whom you say it. Tell no secrets. Trust no man. Fear no bitch.